What is a Brat in BDSM?

A Brat’s Place in BDSM

The roles we assume in a kink context are rarely what they seem. On the surface, a Dominant appears to subjugate their submissive partner. Look a little deeper and you’ll see the Dominant taking great care not to cross their sub’s boundaries. You’ll see them working hard to live up to their partners expectations. You’ll find someone that has honed their skills to provide a special, erotic experience for another, like an act of service. Similarly, the Brat outwardly displays behaviors that seemingly contradict their inner desires. On the surface we see the Brat breaking all the rules of a “good submissive”. They may refuse their Dominant’s request or childishly mock their Dominant’s performance. But, what appears to be a rebellious, immature cry for attention, is actually a sophisticated invitation to take charge, to overwhelm, and to show some passion. It’s an invitation to play.

The Defining Characteristics of a BDSM Brat

Brats are ultimately submissives. All their bratty behavior is just a playful way of getting their Dominant’s attention. A traditional submissive may patiently wait for the spanking they so desperately desire, or they may perform services to earn their spanking. A Brat that wants a spanking, however, might intentionally break a rule or mock their Dominant to get “punished”. The Brat is not actually a rule breaker because all their behavior has been pre negotiated with their play partner. They’ve found a Dominant that enjoys the Brat dynamic. Consent recontextualizes a relationship, and makes what would have been a disrespectful and aggravating interaction, into an erotic game. The Brat acts out because they know their partner is powerful. They want to see that power. Brats are the submissives that enjoy poking the bear.

What’s the Appeal of Being a Brat?

Being a Brat is a ton of fun! It's a nuanced role that’s customizable to personalities and relationships. The Brat role is the instigator, the provocateur. They egg on their Dominant with a “I don’t care about your stupid rules” or “Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?” Talking back, eye rolling, doing a sloppy job, and generally disobeying are all ways the Brat turns up the intensity of the power exchange. A Brat can arouse a passionate desire in the Dominant to put the Brat in their place or to give them the punishment they deserve. An eye roll can be the beginning of an erotic dance culminating in whatever humbling type of play the two are into, be it spanking, humiliation, rough sex, bondage, etc.

The word “brat” can conjure up ideas of bitchy school girl archetypes. This is a great role play for those into it but there’s more to Brats than just eye rolling and talking back. Brat is an expansive way of engaging with others that can encompass many types of play. For some it’s a way of interacting within D/s relationships. For others it's an attitude within a sadomasochistic relationship. As a role play, the Brat can be woven into endless scenarios. A Brat might be the popular student that thinks they’re better than everyone and needs to be humbled. They could be an employee that’s punished for being terrible at their job. A show pony that clearly needs retraining. An unhelpful prisoner being interrogated. The possibilities are as unique and as sexy as the people playing.

What’s a Brat without a Brat-Tamer?

A Brat cannot shine without their counterpart - the Brat-Tamer. They’re a special kind of Dominant that enjoys being challenged. They know that their Brat acts out because they’re eager for attention. They may ignore their Brat’s pleas for attention at first, knowing the bad behavior will escalate, patiently waiting for the tension to bubble over into passionate play. For the Brat and their Tamer, misbehaving is flirting. Some Brat-Tamers assert their dominance by playing it cool while others allow their Brats to get their blood boiling to fuel the intensity of the play. Never assume a Dominant is a Brat-Tamer. Some Dominants take offense to Brat behavior. But if you find that special Brat-Tamer, you’ll see their erotic engine fire up when confronted with defiance and bad behavior. Every Brat needs a good Brat-Tamer.

BDSM Brats Acting Out

A Brat’s main gig is acting out, but what does that actually look like? Well, because the Brat role is so customizable, there are a lot of ways to be bratty. A subtle emasculating comment in front of the waiter on date night may stoke the flames of desire for a playful couple, sending the signal that punishment is in order this evening. Or, perhaps a sub wants to encourage their Dominant on during a spanking. They could criticize the intensity of the spanking or talk about how they got a much harder spanking from someone else just the other day. Bratting could sound like “Is that all you got?” or look like watching porn instead of doing chores. Notice the throughline in all of these bratty ways of acting out? They are all invitations to the Dominant to play, play harder, play more passionately. Brats are like mean cheerleaders getting Dominants riled up to play their best.

Guidelines for Safe + Consensual Brat Play

Brat play is Kink only if it’s safe and if it’s consensual. Without those guiding principles, you are not playing. You’re engaging in manipulation or abuse or something else outside the realm of Kink. Negotiation is the hallmark strategy in the Kink world to better align the desires of the players with their partners. Negotiation sets up the rules of the game, letting everyone know what’s inbounds and out of bounds. Playtime often has a story arc. Negotiation is the time to outline the story of your play. A Brat story arc might look like the submissive being told to clean the bathroom. When the Dominant returns they find the sub watching porn on their phone and masturbating, instead of cleaning. They agree that the punishment will be a spanking leading to sex. They also agree on what is at play in their dynamic. How much does the sub resist the punishment? Is humiliation on the table for either player? They set boundaries. Maybe the submissive does not consent to face slapping and the Dominant has a bad back, so the brat cannot be too rough when struggling.

And, as with any Kink interaction, they set up a safe word. Brat play often involves saying the opposite of how you actually feel, making safe words all the more important. A Brat might say “Ow! No, stop! That hurts!” as part of play. A good safe word for Brat play will be easy to remember and have nothing to do with saying “no, stop, that hurts”. You could choose “Beyonce” or “Pumpkin Spice” or “Pomeranian” or something fun that works for you.

And when the play is all done, remember that you and the people you play with still need care. Aftercare shouldn’t be overlooked. Check in with your partner and see how they are feeling. Do bottoms need icing, tears wiped, are cuddles in order, do we need a snack? Come back down to Earth together and re-establish your day-to-day relationship. When you’re both ready, do a little recap on the play. What was their favorite part? What would they change next time? Is there anything they think would be good to add to the dynamic?

Finding Your Inner Brat

If you’ve been a polite, “good kid” most of your life - try bratting out some time. Even if you’re a real ball-buster IRL, bratting is a fun endeavor for most. Being a Brat gives you the opportunity to say and do some things that are “not allowed”. Being naughty is fun! So if you’re a little feisty and you love to be overpowered and punished, you might have a Brat in you waiting to emerge.

Find your inner Brat by first looking outward. Is there a defiant character in pop culture that has an attitude you identify with or a sexy rebelliousness about them? Is there a Brat character out there that you already identify with? Or a character you wish you could act like? Use those cultural icons or even stereotypes to identify what appeals to you. Maybe you’re a quiet, indignant Brat, like Wednesday Addams. Maybe you’re the popular student villain in the college movie. Or the employee that wants to be anywhere but work. Take a moment to explore what makes that character a Brat. Identify what the appeal is and how they execute it. The popular student character may feel like they’re better than everyone else and that’s why they don’t have to follow the rules or treat others respectfully. This is the character’s motivation for acting out. Identify a motivation for your Brat

With your Brat analysis in mind, think of some words that describe the kind of Brat you want to be. Keep in mind that you can be a villain. Brats are like the villains of the submissive world. You can have descriptive words for yourself that are not flattering. Have fun with it! Kink is often about getting to be the “bad guy”. Are you mischievous, sneaky, mouthy, subtle, mocking? Narrow it down to just three words that define your Brat style and write them down in a descriptive sentence. You could write “I’m rebellious, judgemental, and jealous.” Or maybe you’re more of a “Talks back, easily bored, lazy”. Let this sentence inform your Brat’s motivations and decisions. Now you can craft your character with wardrobe, makeup, and attitude, keeping your style of Brat in mind.

Brat-Taming 101

Your partner may have sent you the link to this article with the caption “We should try this!” At this point your heart may be pounding with excitement and fear at the idea of intentionally creating sexual conflict in your private life. Not to worry! Kink often looks intimidating but is actually a lot of fun when you participate ethically. I’ll get you prepared to take on your Brat. This guide applies to most Kink scenarios and other types of play.

Prior to play, do an erotic analysis of yourself so you’ll be able to tell your partner about your desires and boundaries. Your partner may be new to you or bound to you for decades. Either way it’s important to communicate where you’re at in that moment. Maybe you’re looking for a softer play than usual or you’re feeling particularly ravenous that evening. Conversely, listen to their needs with effort to understand what they’re looking for out of the play. This communication sets the tone and really the goal of the play. It’s an important step, not to be skipped.

Once the two of you have an understanding of the vibe and goal of the play you can start to set up the structure. Set the rules of the game. Who’s topping. Who’s bottoming. Is humiliation in play, if so, what kind and who is dishing it out? What will the culmination of the play be? Spanking? Sex? Decide on what devices, toys, tools, apparatuses will be used. How hard will the play be? What will the aftercare look like? Hit all the main points you’d like to engage in and work out compromises or rewrites when limitations or boundaries come up. Some think all this talk takes the spontaneity out of play but actually this is the platform for engaging, exciting play. Asking for what you want and respecting boundaries is the foundation of Kink. It is not ethical to assume someone will be into humiliation just because they tell you they’re into being a Brat. Just as you cannot assume a Dominant will enjoy bratty behavior. Negotiation and consent lets us know what the playground looks like. Once you jump in and start playing, there is plenty of room for spontaneity, nuance, and excitement.

Here’s an example of a kinky couple that lives together and seamlessly incorporates negotiation prior to play. The Brat tells their Tamer they had a bad day. They’re feeling annoyed and feisty. They want a hard spanking but also have some aggression to get out. The Brat-Tamer is tired after a long day. They want to play but need some motivation and want to incorporate that into the scene. Now that they understand each other’s moods they can move on to defining the structure of the play. They decide the Brat will act out in some way to get the Tamer’s attention. The Tamer will end up punishing the Brat with a hard spanking and the possibility of sex. They both are in the mood for some humiliating talk from the other but the Brat knows that humiliation around body image is off limits with their Tamer. They have a well established safe-word - “pickles”.

You can see that within this scene, all parties are getting their needs met and having their boundaries respected. Even though they are established players with each other, they check in to see where they’re at in that moment. And, although they outlined their play together, there’s lots of room for spontaneity and creativity.

As you get more into Brat-Taming, you’ll discover ways to cultivate your relationship with your Brat. Like their Dominant counterparts with their “well-behaved submissives”, Brat-Tamers often establish rules for their submissives to follow during play. The difference is Brat-Tamers tend to expect their subs to break the rules. A Brat-Tamer may even give their Brat a rule intended to provoke the Brat into rebelling. But a Brat can’t just break every rule right? What happens when a Brat needs an actual punishment, not just the one they’re misbehaving for? Well, if a Brat only wants attention, then don’t give them any. A time-out or refusal to engage is often an effective punishment for Brats. Not being the center of attention is unbearable!

A Brat-Tamer may want to reward their Brat for good behavior, even if the opportunity is rare. Brats may want their egos stroked with flattery or frozen peas for their bum after taking a good spanking. Brats often respond well to praise and gifts.

Debunking Brat BDSM Myths

Kink requires that we show up as our most honest selves. It asks us to not only express unusual, often hidden desires, but also to express our boundaries. Be as honest as you can with your play partners. Our desires and boundaries are a big part of what makes us unique, special beings. Our kinks are a testament to the brilliance of human sexuality. So, show up in your negotiations and play proud of your sexuality and respectful of others’ unique desires and limitations as well. It’s this approach that allows characters like the Brat to flourish.

Despite appearances, Brats are not disobedient, selfish, trouble-makers. While Kink requires honesty, it also gives us permission to play with darkness, aggression, pain, and in the Brat’s case, misbehavior. And that is the key thing to remember about Kink. It is play. Kids playing “good guys” vs. “bad guys” aren’t really waging war against each other. They love each other and they love playing together. Brats are the same. They are not terrible, disrespectful submissives. They are playing at being the “bad guy”. And it’s super fun!

Give Brat Play a Chance

While acting out and misbehaving might not be for everyone, Brats are an important part of the Kink world. They’re an outlet for pent up desires and they keep their Brat-Tamers interested and on their toes. Bratting allows kinky people to play with power and dominance, push and pull, power exchange, in a fun and engaging way. So get out there and get your Brat on!