Lovehoney Sex Expert Interview: Jamye Waxman, MA MED
Jamye Waxman, M.Ed, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is a well-known and sought after educator and lecturer in the field of human sexuality and relationships.
She began her career as a sex educator at the world-famous New York sex toy shop Babeland and in 2005, Wired.Com dubbed her "the nexxxt generation of sex educator".
She has been interviewed and quoted in publications such as Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Women's Health, Men's Health, Forbes, The NY Daily News, and YourTango.
She is the author of several books, including the award-winning book Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation (Seal Press) and utilizes her Masters in Sex Education from Widener University and SFSI certification to demystify female pleasure, arm the public with accurate information, and empower people with the ability to pursue fun and freedom in their sex lives.
Find out more about her work at waxmansextherapy.com.
How can incorporating toys into the bedroom help strengthen and increase the level of play in a couple's sex life?
Bringing sex toys into your love life allows for new sensations, new experiences and new insights into how you, your partner, and everybody likes to have sex.
I talk to couples about incorporating sex toys so they can get out of a romantic rut, or in order to help a partner have an anal, vaginal, or clitoral orgasm – something they may not have been able to do on their own.
Plus, with more and more toys designed for couples play, it's a great way to make things buzz and bump differently. And because some sex toys can do things that no human is designed to do, figuring out the best way to use a toy together can help build team-esteem.
Sex toys can also be used to help women who are experiencing painful sex (especially dilators) or other sexual dysfunctions.
And toys can last longer than a partner can, so if it takes one or both of you a long time to orgasm, a toy may help speed things along.
What are some of your very best practical tips to help couples fully express themselves to each other sexually?
Take time to connect every day whether you're being sexual or not. That means share an appreciation you have (of your partner) every night before you go to bed. It means take time to make eye contact, hug, and be with one another.
To help you and your partner work through your own sexual bucket list, you can try to write down a list of the top five sexual experiences you want to have. Then share the list with them via email or verbally, and have them rate the experiences from most interested to least interested.
Also, it's important to try, even every once in a while, to take sex outside the house. Plan a night in a hotel room to get you into a new head space. You might even buy a wig or wear something totally out of character and see what transpires.
Other ideas? Share fantasies. Talk about sex outside of doing it. Listen to sexy podcasts, or watch an erotic movie and talk about turn ons. Go shopping together – for clothes, for toys, whatever.
Oh, and USE LUBE. Maybe not always, but try it sometime.
Talk to us about life/work/sex balance. How can busy couples keep the heat turned up when juggling the minutiae of daily life, other important relationships, and careers?
Know what time you like to have sex and then find a time, at least a few times a month, to have sex at your OPTIMAL sex time.
For some people that means scheduling time on a Saturday afternoon or staying awake later or waking up earlier then they usually would.
If you want to keep sex in the mix, you have to find ways to make intentional time for sex.
In your book Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation, you've got two entire chapters dedicated to sex toys. What is your best advice for women who are novices to toys, but intrigued? Conversely, what can women who are toy connoisseurs learn to continue enhancing their pleasure?
Don't go for something with all the bells and whistles when you're first starting out. Start with something simple and see what works or doesn't work for you.
Hard plastic is a good, inexpensive option. I personally stay away from jelly rubber, and would recommend silicone for softness.
There are lots of new toys that come out every year. Even if you think you've seen it all, there will be a toy that can suck on you or vibrate in you in an even better way than the last one.
Check out active sex toy reviewers for the latest and greatest products and look for something that may improve upon what you already enjoy.
That might be more oscillation in your clitoral play or a deeper thrust for penetration. It may mean trying a toy that will blow your mind through sucking or a toy that just looks interesting and you have no idea what it does.
If you're really into sex toys, there's always a new toy to try. Something bigger, brighter, more powerful, and used by more than one person. The possibilities, while not endless, seem like it.
What do you find most couples need the most help with in their sex lives and what are the best ways for them to work on it together?
Sometimes people just assume they know their partner because of the length of time they've been together. But intentional talking about sex is important. And talking to each other in a time dedicated to having a safe sex talk can help.
Other times, talking with a therapist can help. Sometimes taking a workshop on either relationship dynamics or sexual techniques is useful.
I really think it's about understanding that you can always learn something about sex and your partner, and that making time to talk about sex is important.
A lot of people feel like it should just be natural. But the truth is that sex (the act of penetration for procreation) is more natural – but not always, and sex (for pleasure) takes work.