Lovehoney Sex Expert Interview: Dr Lanae St John
Dr. Lanae St.John, DHS, ACS, is a board-certified sexologist, sexuality educator, and writer. She received her Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality where she focused on Child and Adolescent Sexuality.
She develops curriculum, teaches classes, and works with clients to normalize conversations about sexuality between parents and children. Her writing and sex expertise have been featured in various publications, websites, radio shows, and on YouTube.
She believes that we must help adults discover a positive outlook on sexuality before they can impart wisdom to the young people in their lives. By teaching parents to nurture the budding sexuality of their children in ways that foster self-respect and acceptance for the totality of their personhood, she helps them raise children who become empowered, beautiful, strong, sexually healthy adults.
She often incorporates pop culture, current advertising, music, and movie references into her teachings and blogs about sex, parenting, relationships, and gender at TheMamasutra.net.
What do most couples need the most help with in their sex lives, and what are the best ways for them to work on it together?
The Orgasm Gap. Well, this isn't "most" couples, but it's definitely a complaint I've heard from a lot of women. They report being sick of him getting his orgasm but she doesn't get hers. Many will stay silent about it but then get resentful about it. There's no need to suffer in silence!
The best ways to work on this is to care, first off. Men could use some coaching to give a damn and not be in such a rush to get in, get off, get out. The men don't deserve all the blame though. Where are we taught how important pleasure is? How important it is to speak up? How important it is to ask for what you want? Certainly not in that middle school or high school Sex Ed class you had years ago.
Talk to us about how, where, and why it's important for couples with kids to steal time away together to connect intimately. What are your most practical tips? What are pitfalls to watch out for?
It's pretty standard advice to schedule a date night or weekend away - I'm all for hotel sex, too. But sometimes, cost can get in the way. Instead, it can be nice to send the kids away! I know you love those little monkeys, but you and your love deserve time to focus on having all kinds of fun together and to reconnect intimately and otherwise.
If you're lucky enough to have trusted family or friends nearby that the kids could stay with for an overnight or weekend, that gives you home field advantage for your own adventures. Go for it!
How can incorporating toys into the bedroom help strengthen and increase the level of play in a busy and tired couple's sex life?
Toys can be incredibly fun to incorporate into our routines. We all know that feeling - busy schedules have us tired or burnt out. We take our adulting seriously. Ever watched a kid pretending to be an adult? The faces they make! It's all frowns, furrowed brows, and scowls.
We should take a page from our kids and learn to play more! After all, your spouse is your live-in play partner. Check out all the toys online or ask your friendly sexologist (ahem!) for a recommendation.
What are some of your very best tips to help couples fully express themselves to each other sexually?
My favorite tip is to do a Touch Lab. Lots of couples I work with find it tough to talk to our partners about what we want. Touch Lab is one exercise that helps to break down that barrier and incorporates playful "sexy times" as well.
What's your very favorite bedroom advice to give couples?
My favorite bedroom advice? When you have an extended period of time with no interruptions, try this:
Take it slooooow. Slow down. Go half speed and then half again. Tease. Don't rush to penetrate. Start with the outside extremities of the fingers and toes and work your way in. Leave genitals for the very last. Don't even think about touching them until a good 20-30 minutes in. I'm serious!
Sometimes it can take as much as 20 to 30 minutes of consistent vulva/vaginal/clitoral stimulation to even get to the point of feeling like you could orgasm. Take your time. Relax. Know that it's normal to need time to get there and you're not "taking too long" - that's just what it takes sometimes.
Spend your time exploring every inch of your partner's body. You may find your partner begging you to touch their clitoris or penis, and what's hotter than a partner who wants YOU??
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