5 Reasons Not to Fake Your Next Orgasm
on Mar 1, 2013
Trust me, you aren't the only person having trouble reaching orgasm. This goes for all genders and orientations.
According to AskMen.com 54% of female respondents reported faking an orgasm, and 26% said they fake it every time they have sex. Of the men asked, 34% said they'd faked it at least once.
So let's start there. You're not alone and we all know the journey can definitely be just as mind-blowing as the final destination. The over-all theme of this post is to embrace the authentic experience, enjoy the ride and communicate. In this particular instance we don't recommend 'faking it until you make it' because if everyone fakes it, no one is ever going to know how to do it right.
There are many great reasons to not fake an orgasm, we'll start with five - because you don't have all day… you could be practicing some self-love.
Guest post by Monika Thomas
You don't have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex (you don't even have to have sex to enjoy sex), it should be about pleasure. Sex isn't about what you sound like, or what you look like, it's not even about orgasm — it's about what you feel. If the touch you're getting doesn't feel right, let your partner know. Say, "it would feel even better if it was (softer, harder, a little to the left, whatever's true)."
Unfortunately in our society almost no one receives great pleasure-oriented sex education. Sex ed in school didn't teach us how to create orgasm, and porn isn't known for realism. Also, everyone likes to be touched differently in different places, and the way they like to be touched changes as their arousal changes.
5 Reasons Not to 'Fake It' Ever Again
#1 - It's a Lie
Faking is lying to your partner. Your partner is probably having sex with you because they would like to give you pleasure, and he or she would also like to be a good lover. However, the only way s/he's ever going to learn is by seeing what works. By faking it, you're depriving your lover of authentic sensual experience and not giving them any of the signals they need to make your body feel good. You're actually reinforcing the behavior that makes you NOT come.
#2 - Faking It Burdens the Sex Lives of Others
This is not just about you. It's about everyone who puts up with mediocre sex. Have you ever encountered a man who thinks he can get you off by tonguing the ABCs on your urethra? If you can't be honest with your lovers for their benefit (and yours), do it for the people who will be sleeping with them next.
We all like to believe that we always make our partners orgasm, but over 70% of women and 33% of men have faked an orgasm a least once, and a shocking 26% of women say they are faking it every single time. These stats tell a very different story [than those fake moans]. Whether you're trying to spare your partner's feelings or just spare time talking, you should still consider how your faking it affects the future of sex. You might be training your lover to do the things that aren't working instead of helping them to learn what will.
#3 - This Is Not The Time to Spare Anyone's Feelings
You are not obligated to (nor is it often the best thing to) spare the feelings of anyone, and they probably wouldn't want you to. Especially if their goal is to give you pleasure. If they're not touching the pleasure buttons you crave, touch them yourself. If you're uncomfortable telling them, show them instead. They will probably think it is hot, and they can watch and learn where and how you like to be touched. You are doing them a (sexual) favor by touching your own nipples, clitoris, or whatever feels good. They might just get a better idea of where to touch you next.
#4 - Your Lover Wants to Make You Happy
Communication is the most important element of a relationship and if you can communicate to your partner what makes you happy, it will make them feel really good to be able to give it to you. It will feel especially good if you can put your feedback in a "love sandwich".
A love sandwich is "Reward" then "Communication" and then another "Reward." Honesty is important so say only what is true, but keep it positive. "I love it that you're touching me, and it would feel even better if you were using [just a little more lube]." Here's the second reward now, "oh that feels so nice".
You can add more feedback, "Ooo, even more lube, please." Reward, "oh that feels good." Being honest and saying what you want makes people love you more because they love giving it to you and your feedback reassures them. Pretending that you are enjoying yourself when you really aren't creates a roadblock in your intimacy, both physically and emotionally and deprives you of the joy of being loved exactly the way you are, including learning what brings you all the way to orgasm, even if it takes some time and work to get there.
#5 - The More You Fake it, the Harder it is to Get There
The more you fake it, the harder it is to tell someone what actually turns you on and makes you come. Sex is about the journey, and not the orgasm — and as long as you're experiencing pleasure that's great. However, many people get to come almost every time they have sex, and you deserve to orgasm too. Faking it and staying in your head when you're having sex is depriving you of all kinds of healing, relaxing, and enjoyable brain chemicals. Your brain releases HGH, DHEA, vasopressin, and oxytocin when you orgasm, your blood pressure goes down, you get fewer headaches, and the world seems warmer, friendlier, and more relaxing.
One final question for women to consider if you're still not having orgasms during partner sex: is someone playing with your clitoris? 75% of women can't orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation. It's rare for a women to be able to come with only vaginal penetration because the clit is neglected. Many women find that the person who knows how to play with their clitoris best is themselves.
Penetrative sex often even misses the G-spot. Paying attention to these 'sweet spots' will up your orgasm potential quite a bit. Put a pillow under your hips during penetration for more G-spot stimulation. A woman's clit is like a man's penis. Not touching this sensitive spot and wondering why she can't come is absurd. For a supercharge try a small vibrator on the clitoris during penetration. If you've been waiting for that sexy person who knows how to make you come, try playing with your clit. Remember: You are the person that you've been waiting for.
This all goes for men too. Maybe sex isn't hitting all the right spots to take you there. Try adding a vibrating toy like a cock ring or a prostate massager and those elusive orgasms will arrive with a bang. Love yourself first and find out what makes you come, when the time is right to share that with a partner, it's a beautiful thing.
About the Monika Thomas
Monika Thomas is a radio personality from Alaska who quit her morning show to travel the world and start a talk show about sex. Not only is talking about sex more interesting than weather and traffic, but being more open about sex can make the whole world better: less shame, more information, and deconstructing ideas that keep us from autonomy, authenticity, and pleasure!
In the 5 years since creating Sexploration with Monika, chatting regularly on love relationship forums, Monika has learned so much more than was ever taught in sex ed! She's interviewed a variety of sexperts like Nina Hartley, Dossie Easton, Reid Mihalko, Dr. Carol Queen, Dr. Charlie Glickman, and Midori on how we can get more of what we want exploring everything from clinical sexology and neuroscience to polyamory, G-spot stimulation, sex-worker activism, BDSM and tantra with recurring themes like presence, safer sex, non-traditional relationships, connection, communication, and play. Monika is a certified sexual health educator teaching "Healthy Relationship" rape and domestic violence prevention classes in SF high schools and college classes. Her spiritual beliefs include "Sex is proof that God loves us and wants us to have fun!"