8 Things That Happen During Sex (Which No One Ever Tells You About)

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1. Assumptions

Don’t assume that your partner is taking oral contraception/ is free from STIs/ has the IUD/ has a condom that isn’t out of date – you need to ask.

Sure, asking these real-world questions can disrupt the mood a little. One minute, they’re snogging your face off, and the next you’re asking them when they last had a sexual health check.

It can also be a bit awkward if this is the first time you and your partner have discussed safe sex. But what would you rather a sexually transmitted disease, or a slightly uncomfortable conversation?

When I was younger and inexperienced, I remember asking a guy “Do you have any STIs?” He said he hadn’t been tested but (surprise, surprise!) he was “pretty sure” he was OK.

We had unprotected sex, and he didn’t ask me if I was taking the pill.

In hindsight, we were both so naïve and irresponsible to behave this way. Afterwards, I was so scared that I was pregnant or had an STI that I promised myself I’d never do something that risky again.

There are a huge range of condoms and dental dams on the market, so there’s no excuse. You must directly discuss contraception and safe sex before you get with someone new.

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2. Awkward Leg Cramp

Experiencing cramp during sex is relatively normal, but are we ever told about it? No!

The first we find out about sex cramp is when we’re writhing on a bed for all the wrong reasons.

Not only is cramping during sex painful, it’s irritating.

Nothing spoils the moment like debilitating pins-and-needles. Cramping can happen because you’re dehydrated, fatigued or if you’ve been in the same position for too long.

Cramps can also occur because you’re lacking in calcium, potassium or magnesium. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Drinking water before and after sex can help prevent cramps, as can foreplay. Foreplay warms up your muscles, so it’s best to engage in some light hanky-panky before you dive straight into something like The Wheelbarrow!

If a cramp strikes, let your partner know and slowly ease out of that position. Do some gentle stretching until it subsides.

If you’re frequently bothered by cramps, go see your GP. They’ll get you back on the right track.

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3. The Post- Coital Waddle

No one ever tells you about the post-coital waddle – that’s the hurried visit you pay to the bathroom after sex to deal with your partner’s cum.

It’s not glamorous, but it’s a fact of life.

Whether their juice is on you, in you or downright all over you, you’ll need to sort it out if you plan on getting a comfortable night’s sleep.

Keep a packet of Lovehoney Fresh Biodegradable Sex Toy and Body Wipes handy. With their skin-soothing aloe vera, you and your toys will stay fresh and clean no matter how wet and wild things get.

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4. Queefing

If you have a vagina and are into penetration, you’ll probably experience queefing at some point.

Queefing is sometimes referred to as ‘a vaginal fart’, but this isn’t true at all. A queef isn’t flatulence.

Unlike a fart, a queef is odourless. It’s just what happens when air gets pumped into the vagina during sex.

That air has to leave your vagina, and when it does it can make a small noise.

Every vagina is different, so a position that causes you to queef might not have the same effect on someone else.

The best thing to do is just have a giggle and move on. If your partner has a problem with queefing or makes you feel ashamed about it, then they’re not mature enough to be having sex anyway!

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5. Injuries

I’ll never forget the day I thought I’d gotten my period in the middle of sex.

Just as I was surveying The Godfather-esque scene and thinking “But I wasn’t due for ages yet?”, my boyfriend piped up to tell me that he was the one bleeding.

The frenulum, known colloquially as the banjo string, is the small tag of skin on the underside of your penis between the foreskin and the shaft. If you have a naturally tight frenulum, having sex can cause it to tear (it’s a fairly common incident).

In most cases, if you take a few weeks’ break from sex and wanking, a tear will heal on its own.

Using a lube like Lovehoney Enjoy Water-Based Lubricant can ease up the friction and help stop a tear from happening again. However, if the tear does not heal properly, your banjo string could snap again.

If you repeatedly tear your frenulum, you may need to have a simple procedure called a frenuloplasty to stop this from happening. If you’re concerned, speak to your GP or visit a sexual health clinic – don’t worry, they’ve seen it all before.

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6. Missing Out On Orgasms

Boy meets girl. Boy penetrates girl. Boy and girl simultaneously orgasm and then blissfully fall asleep in each other’s arms…

Pull the other one! This may be what happens in films and porn, but it’s not what happens in real life.

Orgasms feature heavily in pop culture and adult entertainment, but no one ever tells us that having an orgasm is often challenging.

Roughly 80% of women cannot achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. I wish I had known this when I was 21, orgasm-less, and wondering what was wrong with me.

If you’re tired, stressed, not communicating with each other or a bit tipsy (more on this later) then this will make achieving orgasm difficult.

If the Big-O is alluding you, try the following:

• Get comfortable with your own body. Masturbation is one of first steps to enjoying frequent orgasms and, in my opinion, it’s a form of self-care. A vibrator or a stroker could change the way you play.
• Engage in lots of foreplay and take your time. Feeling rushed or pressured isn’t conducive.
• Tell your partner about your turn-ons and turn-offs.

It’s worth remembering that sex doesn’t have to revolve around an orgasm. If you’re not orgasming, but feel fulfilled and happy with your sex life, then don’t change a thing!

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7. Malfunctions

Shakespeare has been trying to school us since 1606 – in Macbeth, he tells us that alcohol “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.”

Sure, one drink might give you the confidence to start up a conversation but overindulge, and you’ll end up acting more sloppy than sensual.

For a start, drinking affects our coordination. Love hurts, and you’ll certainly be in a world of pain if you end up falling off the bed!

Alcohol can also stop you from staying erect, hence the term Whisky Dick or Brewer's Droop.

Your brain gets foggy and can’t process the visual cues that would normally turn you on. Your poor penis doesn’t get the memo that it’s time to stand to attention, leaving you up Soft Creek without a paddle.

Drunk sex may look extra-steamy in shows like Skins or Shameless. But I find that the best lovers are all stone-cold sober.

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8. UTIs

If you’re the proud owner of a vagina, get into the habit of going for a wee once you’ve finished having sex.

This is because the urethra, vagina and rectum are all quite close to each other. During sex, it doesn’t take much for bacteria from the rectum to reach the urethra and this can leave you with a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI).

Peeing flushes out potential bacteria and makes a UTI less-likely.

Don’t feel as though you have to rocket out of bed and skip the spooning session, just visit the bathroom within a reasonable time frame.

If you frequently get UTIs, don’t put up with them. Make an appointment with your doctor.

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These are 8 things that happen during sex that no one told me about. I had to learn about these phenomena first-hand. Thank goodness we have the Lovehoney blog nowadays, where no topic is taboo and you can never learn too much!

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Audrey Andrews is a student blogger for Lovehoney. In her spare time she loves to do craft, but would not advise knitting your own condoms.

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