Everything You Need to Know About Consent

by Eleni Gabrielides

on Nov 20, 2018


Consent must be the foundation to every sexual encounter and, while it’s straightforward, sometimes different interpretations can make it complicated.

I’m going to break it down – explain what it is, how it can be influenced, why it’s important, and when and how it can be given, asked for and withdrawn.


What is it?

In the context of sex, consent can be defined as: permission that is freely and voluntarily given before a sexual act is performed with somebody else.

While this is consent to an extent, I think there’s more to it, so here’s my take.

Consent: enthusiastic permission to initiate or continue with an activity, given freely, voluntarily and without coercion that can be withdrawn at any time.

This is a great video released a few years back by the Thames Valley Police that compared having sex to making someone a cup of tea. It covers the basics and gives a general understanding of consent, but doesn’t cover everything, including how it can be influenced.


How can it be influenced?

‘Freely, voluntarily and without coercion’ is an important part of my definition because it addresses the things that can negate consent.

These things include:

  • Age – legally, someone doesn’t have ‘decision making capacity’ to give consent if they are under the legal age of consent in their country/region
  • Being asleep/unconscious or under the influence of alcohol/drugs
  • The use or threatened use of force
  • Unlawful detention (if someone is holding you against your will)
  • Mistaken identity and mistakes as to the nature of the act (i.e. mistaking anal play for anal sex)
  • Any position of authority or power, intimidation or coercive conduct (i.e. a sexual encounter with an authoritative figure like your boss, or persuasion from your partner or peers)


Why is it important?

Without consent, a sexual encounter is harassment, assault or rape.

Not only is the violated person possibly being physically, mentally or emotionally harmed, it also gets the perpetrator in legal trouble (or should).

Also, while it’s a serious topic I really don’t want to paint it negatively. Consent is amazing – it lets everyone know that they are excited and ready for an activity through communicating fun and sexy things.

It also can help to explore new territories and can be a form of foreplay.


When should it be given?

Always. Before and during every sexual encounter, from talking about sex to penetration.

A common time for people to consent is before sexual activity begins, but because lots of activities can be involved, I think it’s necessary to consent to all acts before and as they happen.

Consent must be given every step of the way, your partner can’t handcuff you or use a vibrator on you if you did not consent, even if you consented to having sex with them.


When can it be withdrawn?

What happens if you start feeling uncomfortable halfway through a sex act?

Consent can be withdrawn at any time (keeping in mind the list of things that can influence consent).


How can I give/ask for consent?

Consent can be delivered verbally, non-verbally, or with a combination of the two.

Every case, claim and interpretation is different so to make sure consent is unmistakable – I like to lean towards the enthusiastic, resounding, ‘yes means yes’ approach.

This approach means that a lack of protest or silence does not count as consent – consent must be clear and unambiguous.


How to give consent

First, you need to check in with yourself.

‘Do you feel safe?’, ‘are you comfortable?’ and ‘do you feel emotionally prepared to do this?’ are all questions you should ask yourself before giving consent to someone else.

Exploring consent is particularly important if you’re recovering from an assault.

Also, reflect on whether there’s feelings of love, lust or infatuation involved which may make it difficult to refuse or withdraw consent.

This also can come in the form of gender inequality, if there are two people of different genders participating.

I know this part is easier said than done, but try your best to understand your motivations and remember that the most important thing is you and your partners well-being.


How to communicate consent

When you're ready, here are some words to communicate enthusiastic consent:

  • "YES"
  • "Ohhh – more please"
  • "Faster/harder/stronger/softer/slower"
  • "Keep going"
  • "Don’t stop"
  • "I love that"
  • "Can you do X again?"
  • "Yes, if we go slow"
  • "Sounds amazing"
  • "I want… (X)"
  • "*moans*"

Tone and non-verbal behaviour is everything. Think of what sounds and looks positive to you. Flinching is not enjoying something, smiling is.


How to ask for consent

I often hear people complaining that asking for consent ‘kills the mood’ – I say ridiculous! Asking for consent is so sexy, if it’s done in the right way.

Here are a few ideas:

  • “Where would you like me to put my tongue?”
  • “I’ve been thinking about you all day – how would you feel about me watching you play with yourself?”
  • “What would you like to try next?”
  • “Which piece of clothing would you like me to remove first?”


Listen to yourself and one another

Our ideas around consent are ever changing as we hear stories and understand things about each other. I’m still learning, we all are.

I’d love to hear your ideas about consent, especially more fun ideas on how to give/ask for it!

Eleni is a health communications student from Sydney. Her favourite topics to communicate are sexual health, gender and sexuality; she spends her time smashing taboo topics everywhere she goes.

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Eleni Gabrielides

Written by Eleni Gabrielides.

Originally published on Nov 20, 2018. Updated on Aug 5, 2020