How to Bring That Pre-Sex Confidence Game

on Apr 16, 2019

In rom-coms and porn, sex always goes smoothly. Sure, the latter situation might be complicated slightly by the unexpected arrival of a pizza delivery guy or a plumber, but that adversity is usually overcome pretty swiftly.

This is what sets real world sex apart from what we see on the big screen or on our laptop screens at 2:00am.

In everyday life, we have sex that’s unforgettable, messy, funny, uncoordinated, interrupted, mind-blowing – the entire spectrum of human experiences can take place between the sheets.

Of course, we all want sex to be good, and we all want to be good at sex. Pre-sex nerves are completely understandable, but there are also some simple ways to overcome them.

So why do we get nervous about getting naked with another person and showing them the time of their life?

How Can Pre-Sex Nerves Affect Us?

When you’re suffering from pre-sex nerves, it can be harder to maintain an erection. This is because the stress hormones that flood your body cause your blood vessels to narrow.

People with vaginas who suffer from pre-sex nerves may feel like they’re struggling to ‘get wet’. Anxiety stops us from producing our natural lube, and when we’re not feeling wet, it’s hard to get in the mood for sex.

Performance anxiety can also be responsible for us orgasming too soon, or taking longer than usual to get there. So why do they come about so often?

Why Do We Get Pre-Sex Nerves?

Everyone has a different reason for getting nervous before getting down to business, and all of them can feel tricky to overcome.

Maybe you think that you're not going to be able to perform the way your partner's expecting, or that they won't like your body. Maybe you're so excited that this moment has finally arisen that you want it to be everything you were dreaming of. And maybe sex in the past hasn't been quite what you expected, and you're concerned this time won't be, either.

You could be putting yourself under pressure to perform, and we all know enjoyable sex and pressure do not mix!

If sex hasn't always been a positive experience for you in the past, nerves are our body’s way of keeping us protected. But they can also hold you back and stop you enjoying yourself, so how can you let them go?

How To Bring That Pre-Sex Confidence

Working on your own body confidence may be a good place to start if you feel that your nerves stem from insecurity.

Treating yourself to some new lingerie, spending more time exploring your own body and becoming comfortable with your kinks will all go some way towards making you a more confident lover.

Communication is key, so let your partner know what you’re going through. They may have no idea that you’re nervous or anxious and could unintentionally be making things worse.

Try spending more time on foreplay, and less time treating sex and orgasm like the ultimate goal. If you take away the pressure to have penetrative sex and focus on turning each other on, you might find this helps your nerves. (Here are 6 Reasons to Spend More Time on Foreplay)

If you’re struggling to overcome your pre-sex nerves on your own or with the support of a partner, you should consider making an appointment to speak to your GP or opting for some counselling. Your sexual anxiety might be something that’s too complex for you alone to fix, and a sympathetic professional could be just what you need.

There is no reason to put up with pre-sex nerves, especially if they are severely impacting your romantic life. Show yourself some love and patience, let your partner know what’s going on and don’t hesitate to get professional help if need be. We all deserve to feel confident and care-free between the sheets.

Audrey Andrews is a student blogger for Lovehoney. In her spare time she loves to do craft, but would not advise knitting your own condoms.

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Written by Audrey Andrews.

Originally published on Apr 16, 2019. Updated on Aug 5, 2020