Lovehoney Sex Expert Interview: Zoë Kors

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Tell us about your work as a Co-Active Coach and your work in the treatment of sex addicts and their partners. What does it look like to guide individuals and couples through the reintroduction of healthy sexuality and intimacy after betrayal?

After considerable research, I chose Coaches Training Institute's certification as a foundational coaching model to lean into as I developed my own methodology. Co-Active Coaching's client-centered approach is very much in alignment with the way I deliver transformational work.

My work with Marnie Breecker and her team at Center for Relational Healing in Los Angeles is a collaborative effort in supporting couples heal from the trauma of betrayal. It can take quite a while for a couple to reach a point when they are ready to reestablish intimacy.

Safety and trust can't be rushed. My three-part approach to intimacy works beautifully here because for most couples who have healed from the trauma of betrayal, issues with intimacy are both the cause and casualty of addiction. Through working with me, they are able not just to rebuild, but to reinvent the way they relate to each other intimately, and that in and of itself can be incredibly healing.

What topics have you observed couples need more education around and why do you think that is?

There is an overwhelming need for men and women both to have a much better understanding of how a woman's mind and body work. Women's sexuality is almost universally misunderstood.

I regularly blow people's minds when I inform them that it takes approximately 40 minutes for a woman to become fully aroused. That simple fact alone affects everything they think they know about the way they are currently having sex.

Pornography is the de facto sex education in this culture, when actually it should be seen simply as entertainment. It provides a very limited -- and often inaccurate -- portrayal of women's bodies and sexual response.

Because sex is such a taboo topic, it's not only men who don't understand women's sexuality, but women themselves. Culturally, we are not given a context for the exploration of our desire and arousal. If sexuality was widely accepted as a natural and healthy form of self-expression, we would feel confident and curious mastering our bodies as instruments of sensation and pleasure.

How can incorporating toys into the bedroom help strengthen and increase the level of play in a couple's sex life?

Our bodies are wired for sensation. Most of us have no idea how many pleasure centers there are and where they are located. When approached as a laboratory for experimenting and discovery, sex can be an intimate and FUN exploration.

Toys can be great enhancement as they allow us a broader range of stimulation and reach. Just the process of shopping for toys together can be like foreplay. Even my most conservative couples have enjoyed building a toy box, and many are surprised by the kinds of play they've discovered and embraced.

Tell us about Holy Sexy You! What can women expect to learn in this 12 week program?

Thanks for asking! I love this program. Holy Sexy You delivers my basic methodology for women in a group format. The curriculum is divided into three modules, each four weeks in length:

• 1. INTEGRITY prepares you with foundational tools for doing deep work, covering topics like self-care, needs & boundaries, communication, and handling powerful emotions.
• 2. SEXUALITY takes you deep into the psychology and trauma of your relationship with sex and your body. In this module, we both shift the way you think about sex and rewire the way your body experiences pleasure and sensation. Includes one full week of "Vagina School" which is part anatomy lesson, part reclamation, part love story.
• 3. EMBODIMENT focuses on integrating the learning and constructing a framework for sustainable transformation.

Participants have reported feeling a new sense of self, confidence, ease, and emotional independence. You will walk away with first-hand knowledge of what you want from a lover and how to communicate that, the ability to receive pleasure, and the courage to "let go." You will also experience true sisterhood and complete the program with a new circle of intimate friends.

What's your very favorite bedroom advice to give?

Separate your relationship inside the bedroom from the rest of your life.

How we do anything is how we do everything... except in bed. Giving ourselves permission to express parts of ourselves that aren't particularly appropriate in the context of our daily lives is liberating and nourishing. Many people don't realize that their erotic identity can exist in an entirely separate space from how they show up in their career, parenting, or spiritual life.

Many couples make the mistake of discussing the nitty gritty details of everyday life as they are getting ready to go to bed. The bedroom is a sanctuary for our relationship as lovers. Inviting logistics and stresses into that space is not sexy. Protecting our erotic connection from the rest of our partnership is essential to the ongoing cultivation of desire.

You can follow Zoë on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and Twitter.

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