How to talk about your desires (when you've been together for a long time)

by Lovehoney

on Sep 15, 2019


Sure, when you guys first met you stayed up all night; Bumpin' and grindin', sharing your raunchiest desires into the early hours (all while Careless Whisper played softly in the background). But, when your relationship is old enough to legally buy cigarettes, kids, mortgages and television often take precedent over chatting about your innermost sexual desires.

Long term sexual relationships can often suffer from getting a little formulaic. While you may know each other inside out and have a healthy sex life, if you're holding back on sharing your true sexual desires you could be majorly missing out.

Whether you've just plucked up the courage to share, have lost a little enthusiasm for your usual bedtime romp, or have recently discovered a new sexual curiosity, it's time to start talking about your desires. In this blog we provide some handy tips to get that sex talk flowing.

Make it steamy

Telling someone what you want in bed isn't a mood killer, in fact it’s the complete opposite. Plenty of people love their partner being honest about their desires and find it a real turn on.

So, rather than awkwardly discussing your inner-most sexual desires in the brunch queue, save your barista the embarrassment and make it part of your bonkfest. Whispering in your lover’s ear all the naughty things running through your mind is sure to spice things up and lead to better sexual understanding.

However, if you’re not comfortable talking dirty try finding a quiet moment when you’re alone to mention it more casually. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed (over a large glass of wine is ideal).

Be honest with yourself

Before discussing your desires with your partner, make sure you really know what you want and that you’re being totally honest with yourself.

Think about it, is there something that gives you a tingle that you’re too shy to explore? For instance, did you know that a huge number of women fantasise about BDSM? Or that 26% of straight men fantasise about sex with other men? While our everyday sensibilities may be confused by what gives us the horn, desire is a strange, primal urge, one which shouldn’t be judged by our usual societal norms.

So, knock the self judgment off and knock one out. Treat yourself to a night in with your bits and learn what really gets you off.

Be honest with them

Once you’re telling yourself the truth, it’s time to spread the honesty.

Has your partner been making the same quintessential mistake for years? Or are you afraid your latest fantasy is a bit too wild to share? Whether they’re twisting your nipple the wrong way (and you’re more of an anti-clockwise kinda guy), or you really fancy some alfresco banging, your lover isn’t a mind reader. Tell them how it is.

Keep in mind, how you share your desires is very important. Tact and phrasing go a long way.

We’re all suckers for a compliment, so Instead of phrasing with: ‘I don’t like it when you slap my boobs around like a pair of bongos’ why not try: ‘I really love it when you gently touch my tatas ’.

Leave judgment at the door

While sharing your sexual desires is fun and exciting, it could also leave you and your partner feeling rather vulnerable. That’s why it’s crucial you create a safe space, free from judgment.

Give each other plenty of time to talk, listen intently and keep an open mind. After all, human desire can be incredibly unique, nuanced and sometimes a little quirky.What your partner reveals could surprise you. And if they do...

Remember fantasies don’t have to become reality

Just because someone has a specific fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean they want to do it in real life.

While acting out a fantasy or two could be fantastic, there’s never an obligation to make them a reality. Telling your partner you want to hump them while riding on a rollercoaster, doesn’t require you to make a late night Alton Towers visit - it’s just hot to talk about it.

An awfully hot adventure

Discussing desires with a long term partner needn’t be scary, if anything it sounds pretty ruddy exciting. Just think of all the possibilities.

The important things to take away are to be honest, open minded and tactful. Remember just bringing your fantasies out into the open could be enough to spice things up. Plus, not every desire must be acted upon.

Sharing your desires after being together for a long time is a wonderful way to rediscover your lover, start a new journey together and remember why you fancy them so much in the first place. Pop open a nice bottle and get sharing.

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Written by Lovehoney. For collaborative posts between Lovehoney team members and guest authors
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Originally published on Sep 15, 2019. Updated on Aug 27, 2020