What is a BDSM submissive?

Published on 06/29/2023

In BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism), a submissive is someone who willingly and consensually gives up power and control to a dominant partner through kinky acts like impact play, punishment or even daily rituals and relationship protocols.

Dominance and submission (D/s) in BDSM is a dynamic of play that involves partners adopting a power differential where one partner, the submissive, relinquishes control or submits to the Dominant in the scene (or relationship). For a lot of kinksters, exploring Dominance and submission is reserved for play and negotiated scenes – often, but not always, involving sex. For some, D/s dynamics are a part of their relationship 24/7. In these relationships, the power exchange dynamic extends to day-to-day practices and other aspects of the relationship, depending upon the unique terms and agreements set by the people involved. A person can identify as Dominant (dom/domme), submissive (sub), or a switch and there are so many ways to express these roles within play.

Submissives relinquish control to their Dominant partner. It is important to note that submissives adopt this role, not through coercion from a Dominant partner, but because they derive sexual pleasure and satisfaction from submission. Submissives may adopt a submissive stance exclusively during BDSM play or with a particular partner, while behaving in an assertive, dominant fashion in their day-to-day. Other submissives adopt a deferential or submissive stance in all areas of life. Each submissive’s approach, the partners and kinds of play they are drawn to, and even how, or if, their submissive desires relate in any way to how they show up in other aspects of their daily life is truly dependent on the person. No two submissives are quite alike. We’re here to share some of the most common submissive styles in BDSM to spark your imagination and help you discover the style that fits you best.

9 Common BDSM sub Styles

BDSM bottoms are submissive partners who are the receivers of the kinky acts or sex in BDSM play. Bottoms may also be referred to as “receivers,” meaning they receive sexual stimulation from their Top or are submissive in kinky play. While "bottom" and "sub" are terms that are sometimes used interchangeably, most often bottoms & Tops refer to participants in kinky sex and other sexual activities while sub and Dom terminology refers exclusively to kink activities, such as impact play, bondage, and roleplay where their is an intentional exchange of power.

Submissives take on the submissive role in a BDSM context that involves inequality of power, and informed consent of both partners. BDSM play can involve sex and can also be non-sexual in nature. Submissives, also known as subs, derive pleasure from being dominated by a partner physically, emotionally or mentally by means of impact play, bondage, role play, total domination, discipline, humiliation, among many other techniques. Submissives can identify with any gender and/or sexuality and demonstrate their submission in a myriad of ways ranging from worship and devotion to brattiness and feigning resistance or reluctance.

Brats are mischievous submissives who intentionally provoke their dominant partner into punishing them or pushes back on the commands of their Dominant to add intrigue and intensify the power dynamics. A brat's misbehavior, also known as “bratting,” often elicits harsh punishments or the withholding of pleasure from their Dominant and this is part of the play. Brats and their brat taming counterparts enjoy the game of the Dominant having to work for the brat’s submission. The dynamic is rooted in a playful, teasing, or even punishing tone and exchange between partners.

Service subs live to serve their Dominant. A service sub’s acts of service can be sexual, or non-sexual in nature ranging from household errands to complex sexual rituals. Service-oriented submissives derive satisfaction from being in service to their dominant partner. Service subs may wear a collar or engage in ritual to represent their devotion to their Dominant or to represent their Dominant’s ownership over them. Some service subs fulfill their desire for service by providing services at kink events, such as bootblacking.

In BDSM, total power exchange is a dynamic where the Dominant partner has total control over their submissive in scene play and in life. TPE submissives consent to following their Dominant’s commands and following strict rules and protocols. This can include rules on how to speak to their Dominant (including requiring the use of honorifics such as "Sir" or "Mistress"), daily duties, handing over decision making and finances to their Dominant, in addition to submitting sexually. It is common for a total submissive to wear a collar to demonstrate their Dominant’s ownership over them. Some submissives choose the term slave. While Master/slave language is still in use in TPE dynamics, alternative terminology is gaining popularity, such as Total Dominant/total submissive, Owner/pet or Owner/familiar, in recognition of the unreconciled history of slavery in the US and around the world.

BDSM Pet play is a type of roleplay dynamic where the submissive partner takes on the role of an animal. BDSM pets can adopt the mannerisms of puppies, kittens, ponies, or even ducks. BDSM pet owners are responsible for taking care of, training, disciplining, and loving their pet. Some pets enjoy the humiliation aspect of pet play, such as being treated like an animal and being forced to perform tasks that are typically associated with animals while others are drawn to the ownership dynamic and the structure of following orders.

Rope bunnies bottom for Riggers, rope bondage tops, and are the partner who is tied up in rope bondage. Rope bunnies may be drawn to the feeling of relaxation and total release that comes from being restrained, or the general artistry and practice of rope bondage, like an artist’s muse. Rope bunnies are not always submissive in other contexts and may not engage in any sexual activity with their rigging partner (Riggers are rope bondage tops).

Littles take on the role of a younger person in the context of a consensual age play scene or dynamic. Littles may adopt childlike behaviors or mannerisms. Littles engage in BDSM with caregiving Dominants, such as a Mommy or a Daddy who sets rules, gives nurture and disciplines their little when rules are broken. Age play is a consensual activity between adults, and littles give informed consent to protocols such as asking permission before activities, ritualized bedtime routines, wearing certain clothing, thumb sucking, or adopting other childlike mannerisms.

Masochists take pleasure in pain. Masochists can derive pleasure from enduring pain at varying levels, being humiliated or degraded, or even relish the denial of pleasure. Impact play, corporal punishment, temperature play, sensory deprivation, piercing play, or consensual humiliation are some of the ways Sadists and masochists explore pain together.

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COMMUNICATION IN D/s DYNAMICS

Regardless of the Domination and submission style you are drawn to or participate in, one element unites all D/s play and that is open communication. It is important for all partners engaging in D/s to agree on the limits of the dynamic and to share their needs and desires. Negotiation tools create the parameters for play, protocols, even relationship dynamics and daily protocols. Think of communication as the tool that creates a safe container for the intentional exchange of power where both (or all) partners’ needs and restrictions are made clear and where consent is obtained and sustained over time.

Consent is at the heart of any type of power dynamic, and it is essential for both partners to give their consent freely. If you’re unclear about what constitutes consent, think of the acronym FRIES. Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Embodied and Specific. This means that consent cannot be pressured or coerced. Consent can be taken away at any time (reversible). Consent cannot be given unless someone fully understands what they are consenting to. If a type of play or protocol is unknown to the submissive, consent must be obtained through a learning process, rather than throwing them into the play or dynamic and trusting it will be ok. Embodied consent refers to the requirement that someone is able to stay connected to their body, in the present moment, and not triggered into a dissociative state by the kinky play or the dynamic they are engaging in. Pre-agreed upon safety words and cues and/or periodic check-ins throughout play are way to ensure that consent is maintained even in the steamiest or most intense scenes. FRIES also covers the requirement for specificity when obtaining consent. This means that consent to one type of play, or on any given day, does not imply consent to other things at other times. Consent is dependent on context. If the context changes, consent can be withdrawn.

A time-tested tool for negotiating BDSM is the Yes/No/Maybe list. A Yes/No/Maybe list can help you share with your partner about the kinds of play you both want to explore. It’s also helpful to talk about how intensely you are interested in exploring different dynamics and Kinky activities and what experience, if any, you have. Staying open-minded while being true to yourself and clear about your boundaries is a winning approach when communicating about sex of any kind.

Debriefs and aftercare are also important communication and intimacy tools that are used regularly in BDSM. Aftercare is often negotiated ahead of time and is an important aspect because it informs the way that partners transition from a D/s dynamic back into their daily life or post-scene interactions with one another. Aftercare can include a range of things like cuddles, or watching a movie; hydrating and making a plan to talk in two days, text messages praising your submissive; or even a hot shower together. Often partners are not in a space to talk about a scene directly following play. Debriefs are post-scene conversations where, much like negotiation, partners can discuss not only what worked well in the dynamic that they are eager to explore again, but also to re-establish boundaries and parameters that will inform future play.

Open, honest communication rooted in trust is essential in any D/s relationship regardless of the style of D/s you engage, how you identify or what kinds of play excite you. Both partners should feel comfortable expressing their needs and desires and be willing to listen to each other. Getting to know your authentic desires and your partner’s opens a world of exciting erotic possibilities.

What is a BDSM submissive?

In BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism), a submissive is someone who willingly and consensually gives up power and control to a dominant partner through kinky acts like impact play, punishment or even daily rituals and relationship protocols.

COMMUNICATION IN D/s DYNAMICS

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