Written by Cara. Originally published August 21, 2018 | Last updated March 21, 2023

Asexuality Mythbusting

We’ve all had those days where you just hate the idea of having sex.

Sometimes it’s because of stress, or your period, or just because you ate an ungodly amount of spaghetti and feel ready to explode.

You may have even heard people say things like ‘I’m so asexual right now’ or ‘I think I’ve turned asexual since my breakup’.

But real asexuality isn’t just a temporary lack of desire to have sex.

It’s actually more like a sexual orientation, so instead of perhaps being attracted to two genders (known as ‘bisexuality’), you’re attracted to no genders.

Asexuality is one of the most misunderstood sexual orientations, so let’s clear up some of the myths and misconceptions about it once and for all.

First of all, let’s define asexuality

Basically, if you don’t experience sexual attraction toward any gender or are disinterested in sex, you may be asexual.

An asexual person (also known as 'Ace') can still form romantic attachments to others because romantic orientation is different from sexual orientation; they’re just unlikely to feel sexual attraction toward them.

Simple, right?

Asexuality can also be thought of as a spectrum.

On that spectrum falls demisexuals (people who can only experience sexual attraction after they’ve formed an emotional connection with someone) and grey-asexuals, who rarely experience sexual attraction or have a low sex drive.

Let’s bust some myths about asexuality

If you’re an allosexual person (defined as a person who experiences sexual attraction) it can be kind of difficult to get your head around asexuality.

That’s why I’ve made a list of some common misconceptions about being asexual and explained why they’re misguided.

MYTH: Asexuals never have sex

While asexuals might not feel much desire to have sex and many are happy to live their lives without it, some still like to get it on.

The 2016 Asexual Census found that 15% of asexuals surveyed had experienced consensual sex, and their main reason was to please their partner, closely followed by wanting to show affection and romantic attraction.

Many asexuals may go their whole lives without having sex and find the idea disgusting – because sometimes, sex can be messy and seem a little strange – but this isn’t the case for everyone.

MYTH: Asexuals don’t masturbate

Michael Doré, organizer of the London asexuality conference, describes asexuality as being like a straight man stuck on a desert island with only other men – he may experience arousal and sexual pleasure, but it is not connected to the people around him.

One study by the University of British Columbia found that 56% of the 500+ asexuals surveyed masturbated at least monthly, although other research suggests that sexual arousal and orgasm function are lower for asexuals.

Non-representational sex toys (meaning toys that aren’t anatomical in their appearance) can be good masturbation tools for asexuals as non-representational sex toys can provide enhanced pleasure without evoking the thought of other humans or their body parts.

Best gender-neutral non-representative toy for external stimulation

We-Vibe Touch X Rechargeable Clitoral Vibrator
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The versatile We-Vibe Touch X vibrator is perfect for providing rumbly bliss to any external hot spot you please. The luxury vibrator’s unique design allows for both precise and broad stimulation depending on how you use it – a curved indentation is ideal for cupping and larger surface area coverage, while the pointed tip delivers pinpoint vibrations.

What customers say: "It's easy to use, comfortable to hold, and very rumbly."

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Best gender-neutral non-representative toy for internal stimulation

njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildo

The best-selling njoy Pure Wand double-ended steel dildo features an artful curve that directs either of the wand’s two rounded heads to the P-spot or G-spot. The sleek sex toy is weighted, allowing users to easily apply firm pressure to their most sensitive internal erogenous zones. The Pure Wand’s stainless-steel body is also compatible with all lubricant formulas and grants the opportunity for temperature play.

What customers say: "Reach, feel, design, weight...all (excuse the pun) SPOT on."

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Best non-representative toy for vulva owners

Womanizer Classic 2 Rechargeable Clitoral Suction Stimulator
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Famous for their impressive Pleasure Air technology that produces sucking sensations on the clitoris without making direct contact, Womanizer doesn’t disappoint in their Classic 2 clit sucker sex toy. Equipped with two interchangeable heads of differing sizes to account for different bodies, the luxe Womanizer Classic 2 is a dream come true for any vagina owner. Whisper-quiet and waterproof, this stellar vibe can be enjoyed just about anywhere!

What customers say: "Amazing! My vibes get me there but can make me numb. The womanizer gets me there fast and doesn’t make me numb so I can have a second (or third!) if I want. The orgasm is smoother? Than with my vibe also."

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Best non-representative toy for penis owners

Arcwave Pow Silicone Dual-Entrance Suction Control Male Masturbator
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Whether you jive with intense tightness or prefer a looser stroker fit, the Arcwave Pow will meet your demands thanks to its two entry points of varying sizes and easy-to-operate suction control valve. The sophisticated manual masturbator boasts an ultra-soft inner sleeve with an invigorating helix texture that also aids in better cleanability and faster drying times.

What customers say: "This is the best stroker I've used - It's smaller, and less bulky in the hands than a Fleshlight, and the inside feels much softer too."

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MYTH: Asexuality is the same as celibacy

Celibacy is a choice – you can still be attracted to people, but you choose not to have sex.

Asexuality, on the other hand, is more like a sexual orientation – you don’t choose it but are born with it.

MYTH: Asexuality is a problem

If you’re asexual and you’re not unhappy about it, it’s not a problem at all.

However, if you’re a person who used to experience sexual desire for other people but no longer does, this could possibly be a symptom of a condition like anemia or depression.

Asexuality as a whole, though, isn’t a deficiency or a disorder.

Think about it this way – if most of your friends have foot fetishes and you don’t that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just means you have different tastes.

MYTH: Asexuals can’t date allosexuals

Asexuals can have relationships with other asexuals or allosexuals or they may choose not to have romantic relationships at all.

Everyone is different, and there’s no right or wrong way to be asexual.

MYTH: Asexuals can’t be sensual

Though the terms are sometimes used interchangeably, sensuality and sexuality are not one in the same. Sensual touch - whether that be using hands or a pleasure object - invokes feel-good sensations without the inherent goal of building arousal.

Asexuals may engage in sensual touch with their partner(s) for intimacy or on their own to simply enjoy relaxing sensations as a form of self-care.

Wonderful sensuality tools

So, let’s stop joking about being ‘asexual’ when we’re just not in the mood for sex – it only leads to misunderstandings of asexuality.

If you’re interested in finding out more, check out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, home of the world’s largest online asexual community and some great resources.

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